Pessimistic Optimism

Life as I see it… sort of.

Pubic Speaking

At a gathering of 1st graders and Kindergarteners, one girl’s story stood out a little more than the others.  Actually, it stood out way more than the others.  That little girl is my six-year-old daughter.

The shorter female in my life is in a younger version of the group that hocks cookies for what seems like fifty weeks a year.  Her group doesn’t participate in that drive, yet.  They sell more valuable things like ornaments or disposable teapots. 

At the first meeting of the new school year the girls were asked to say a little something about themselves.  This is a great stepping-stone for their future public speaking engagements as flight attendants and auto show models.

When it was my silver-tongued angel’s turn to speak she didn’t miss a beat.  Since the womb she’s been an extrovert, so this was right up her alley.

It went something like this, “Hello, my name is ____, I’m in first grade and my teacher’s name is ______.  My brother likes to show me his penis.”

I wasn’t a witness to this, but one of the group leaders relayed it to me when I showed up at the end of the meeting.  She started out by saying that my daughter created a YouTube moment.  Then her face became beet red as she quoted my little future Dr. Ruth.  During the speech this leader had to excuse herself from the circle because she didn’t want the kids to see her laughing and peeing herself.  That’s when the other leader finished the story.

I guess my beautiful princess wasn’t done speaking.  Let’s just say that she likes to be helpful.  She’s considerate that way.

She finished with, “For those of you that don’t know what a penis is…” The leader that kept it together steered the conversation somewhere else before the anatomy lesson was concluded.

Before you condemn the parenting skills being applied at my household you should know the back-story.  At my house penis is not a bad word, not that it’s a good word, it’s just a potty word.  There is no shame attached to it, just the idea that it shouldn’t be thrown around willy-nilly.  That morning’s events must have led my daughter to forget that potty words are for the bathroom, or at the most, our home.  When I received a smooch good-bye from my wife who was leaving for work, my daughter yelled downstairs that her brother showed her his penis.  It wasn’t as bad as it sounds.  He just happened to escape from his bedroom half way through his dressing for the day.  He ran around sans pants.  He’s four, and my son,what do you expect?  As you know, the last thing kids see sticks in their mind, even if it’s their brother’s penis.

The whole incident seems to have blown over quickly, but we’ll see at the next meeting.  Maybe I’ll sneak in early to see whether my daughter’s gagged or being filmed for that next big viral video.


October 15, 2009 - Posted by | family, Humor, kids, life, parenthood, parenting, stephen baldwin


  1. It is good to see you back at it, my friend. Parents around the world will breath a little easier just knowing your parenting skills are being shown, from which we can all learn,.
    Glad to have you back

    Comment by Bill Howdle | October 15, 2009 | Reply

  2. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA, that is AWESOME! Definitely a video moment. Wish I coulda been there, though I think I would have been mortified. can’t wait for these moments of my own. NOT.

    Comment by Aunt Weather | October 16, 2009 | Reply

  3. Well, I wouldn’t have missed reading this after hearing it for the world. Gosh, you should try stand-up comedy! LOL I nearly cried when you first relayed ‘the story’ to me…and cried when I looked at my dear granddaughter after hearing it. Ah, the joys of childhood…and the innocence of it all. How does the saying go…’Outta the mouths of babes’. Glad to see you’re back on the saddle (or keyboard)!

    Comment by The Grandmother | October 16, 2009 | Reply

  4. I wish you could have caught that on videao as well… that would have got some great visibility on YouTube… Tell Stinky Pants to cover up!

    Comment by Matt C | October 18, 2009 | Reply

  5. Bill,
    Hello, my friend. I’m glad you can enjoy my sporadic whinings of my life with the age-challenged.

    Your time will come. Your time will come.

    The sad thing is that this story isn’t as surprising as some might think. Not that that is a bad thing.

    No videos of my kids on youtube… unless there’s money in it. Stinky pants better cover up, if he knows what’s good for him.

    Comment by linusmann | October 19, 2009 | Reply

  6. Penis, penis, penis! What’s the big deal. Some people blow “penis” conversations out of proportion and I am here to tell you that I am not one of them. I think your daughter’s early association with a penis will help her later in life. It has certainly has helped me in mine.

    On a related note, based on your writing, your son’s penis appears to be just as much an extrovert as your daughter is. Long live his penis!


    Comment by Mister Mann | October 24, 2009 | Reply

  7. Mister Mann,
    YOU definitely are comfortable in the penis world, so keep it up and stay strong. BTW the boy’s been keeping his penis to himself these days after a good talking to. He does spend a lot of time in the bathroom…

    Comment by linusmann | November 7, 2009 | Reply

  8. Great story … so I may end up being a regular haunt of your blog.

    This reminded me of reading a story from The Onion where the author had people write in examples of childhood misconceptions about all things sexual-related. One of them was a little girl thinking the word “dildo” was equivalent to calling someone silly. Thankfully, it was Christmas time and the family was at the mall when they all found this out.

    Comment by getbradstanleypublished | November 9, 2009 | Reply

  9. Thanks, again. Do you get a lot of your news from the onion? Ha, ha!

    We haven’t had too many moments like this, at least that I’m allowed to say of, because of the settlement(s).

    Comment by linusmann | November 12, 2009 | Reply

  10. You know – I bet a lot of people my age get their news from Jon Stewart. Which is scary and funny.

    Comment by getbradstanleypublished | November 13, 2009 | Reply

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