Pessimistic Optimism

Life as I see it… sort of.

… or Get Off the Pot

I admire my son’s dedication to not do what he doesn’t want to do.  There’s no hesitation on his part to commit fully to a mildly unpleasant task to avoid something else.

On many days the boy wakes up too early for my liking.  On my non-working mornings I’m a devoted sleeper and a four-year-old will not alter that.  Stop laughing, I mean it.  When he comes into my room and asks me, “Is it morning time?” I answer, “No,” put him back in his bed and like a good press secretary I tell him no questions.  I’m snoozing again before my greasy hair slides onto my ice-cold Firmapedic pillow.  End of story… not quite.

On weekdays my wife rises before the sun, so she’s awake and making herself even more beautiful in the powder room when the boy gets out of bed again.  He heads right to her because he knows I’ll be of no help to his needs and she’s much easier on his squinted little baby-grays.  During his face-to-face he informs her that he has to go poopie.  Despite her doubt of his sincerity and honesty she dutifully succumbs to his wishes and lets him hop on the throne.  Ignoring his request isn’t an option because both she and I have witnessed the end result of denying bathroom privileges to a child whom I thought had cried wolf.  It’s not a mistake you make more than once.

She gets back to the business of getting ready for another day in the rat race while he sits there mostly quietly.  Every couple of minutes he asks, “Is it morning time?”  She answers, “No,” and he continues to sit and wait.

Eventually I stroll out of the bedroom at a more reasonable hour.  He asks again, “Is it morning time, Mommy?”

This time she says, “Yes, it is.”

“I’m done,” he says and peels himself off of the toilet seat.

His wobbly little legs deliver him to the sink to wash his hands and he looks at me.  “It’s morning time, Daddy.”

My wife peeks in the bowl to discover that it’s… empty. This product of my procreation would rather sit on the pot for forty-five minutes than lay in bed for that amount of time.  The little guy had the foresight to crap where he sleeps a long time ago just to set this up.  Diabolical!  Hopefully he’ll someday use his over-sized brain for good or better yet, my gain.   

 

copyright Linus Mann 2009

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November 7, 2009 Posted by | family, Humor, kids, life, parenthood, parenting, stephen baldwin | , , | 5 Comments