Pessimistic Optimism

Life as I see it… sort of.

Child Faces Near Decapitation on Birthday

The following events took place on July 11, 2007 and are strictly my account of what happened that day.  This post has been very hard to put into words because of the emotional toll it has taken on my family and that is the reason for it taking me so long to write it, that and I’ve been lazy as hell, lately.

In a freakish turn of events during a family outing, a four-year-old girl, my daughter, almost lost her head on of all things, the freaking TiltA-Whirl.

Most parents celebrate their child’s birthday in a special way and we’re not the exception.  We had a bunch of kiddy and not-so-kiddy rides put in a local park and let both children have at it… sort of.   We didn’t actually supply the rides ourselves, some sort of festival did that, but we did bring our eager birthday girl and her two-year-old sidekick, my son, there to have some fun.

The local forecasters, who are actually right about fifty percent of the time, predicted it would rain and the clouds seemed to back them up, but being the positive thinking adventure types we made the short trek anyway.  I probably should have contacted our family meteorologist, Aunt Weather, for her analysis on the precipitation possibilities, because she might have sided with Don Paul and she’s usually right about sixty percent of the time.

With the wind blowing at a mild 30 mph we purchased a few ride tickets hoping to get the cheap thrills out of the way before the storm hit.  The first monster raindrop came down as we walked toward the giant slide and many of its bigger friends soon followed.  By the time we were near the ride the rain became a downpour so we changed course and rolled the double jogger under a shelter that filled up fast with drenched frolickers.  Since noon was upon us we decided to wait out the shower with some cotton candy.  The whining stayed at a minimum because I couldn’t talk with my mouth full.

Eventually it was game on, when the rain lightened up and we exchanged the tickets for bracelets that gave the kids a four-hour pass to ride all the rides as much as they wanted.  I didn’t get one for me because I can usually convince the ride operators to let me join the kids for their safety.  Suckers!  The aforementioned ride operators were your typical carnie types.  You know, they’re like a poor man’s Steve Buscemi without the looks.  One of them was nice enough to wipe the mud off of the kiddie jet boat ride, but the rest didn’t seem to care how muddy our daughter’s birthday dress got.  Apparently she didn’t either because she didn’t slow down one bit.

After sampling all the kiddie rides we ventured around the park to see what else they had.  My daughter pleasantly surprised us by suggesting that she go on a thing called The Tornado so I obliged.  The operator let me protect my daughter for free.  Like I said, suckers.  My brave son didn’t accept this situation well because he wanted to join us, but was just too damn short.  The boy gave his mother fits as father and daughter soared and spinned through the air pointing down at him and laughing, er I mean, waving.  As a result, my wife had a brilliant idea, why not take him on the TiltA-Whirl since there was no height requirement and it’s obviously a simple ride that doesn’t throw you around and scramble your brain.  Right?  Right?  Wrong!

My daughter and I exited The Tornado just in time for me to join in on this egregious error in judgement.  I sent her up the stairs with a smile on her face and even photographed the happy riders as they waited to enjoy their amusement ride from Hell.

A wave of guilt swept over me within the first orbit of the ride.  My son’s face revealed pure terror and my daughter looked different, bad different.  The only female ride operator who actually had all her teeth noticed the same thing and told me she would stop the ride.  I nodded appreciateively and did what any responsible parent would do; I stood there and took an “after” picture of my wife and kids stumbling off of the ride to go nicely with the “before” shot from two minutes earlier.

My daughter gripped her tilted neck while trying to smile and my son buried his head in my dizzied wife’s shoulder when they reached wonderful muddy earth.  My wife relayed what my daughter told her during the brief stint on the ride, “My head is falling off.”

She wasn’t trying to be meladramatic, she actually thought her head was coming off and it took a little convincing on our part that it was still attached as before the incident.

Kids being kids, they rebounded nicely and enjoyed many more (kiddy) rides before we went home to nap.  The little ones slept, too.


July 19, 2007 Posted by | family, Humor, kids, life, parenthood, parenting, weather | 4 Comments

Paris Hilton, the Space Shuttle and Harry Potter

Let’s get the least important stuff out of the way first, Paris Hilton’s in jail.

As for the space shuttle, Atlantis, it’s return has been delayed because of a problem with the Russian part of the international space station or so they say.  I guess if you’re going to blame a space station problem on someone, the Russians are as good a scapegoat as anyone.  I’m actually not sure what the problem is or if it’s delayed because of it or the rumor that NASA rented out Kennedy Space Center for the next month to J.K.Rowling for her Deathly Hollows catch and release program.  I think someone said she’s going to set books free by tossing them out of one of the unused shuttles, like Enterprise or Endeavour, while circumnavigating the globe.  If you happen to be one of the lucky people who catches one of these freebies, maybe she’ll visit you in the hospital and sign it, if she has time and you promise not to sue her for being responsible for a seven hundred page missile raining down on you. 

Before you spend all your waking hours staring into the sky take into account that none of this has neither been confirmed nor denied as of this posting.  For some reason I couldn’t find a listing for JK Rowling in the phone book to check my facts and NASA wasn’t in there either.

The posts have been few and far between as of late because of my kids and the great weather in Western New York.  For some reason they expect me to take them outside all the time and that cuts heavily into my writing.  I’ll try to spread my joy more often soon, but I’m not making any promises.

June 14, 2007 Posted by | fiction, Harry Potter, Humor, life, Paris Hilton, Ranting, rumors, space shuttle, weather, Writing | 3 Comments

Sunshine and Sloppy Tea

The local weather guy said that the Buffalo area had its sunniest May ever this year and my brown lawn agrees with him.  The last eight months have been a weather roller coaster ride.  We had a freaking snowstorm in October, and then only a smidgen of the white stuff came down until well after our “Green Christmas”.  The real WNY winter reared its ugly head in mid-January and decided to stick around until late April.  Finally, May was awesome, if you like warm or hot weather with lots of sunshine and being able to go outside without a parka and snowshoes.

This brings me to what takes place around my humble abode when the weather finally breaks.  WeMy wife scrubbed out the little plastic kiddy-pool and I dragged out the little plastic kiddy-sprinkler and we sent the children out into our yard in their bathing suits to have their annual bath while we hung out in the central-air filled house.  Okay, okay on the chance that the authorities are reading this, we hung out on the deck enjoying drinks with little umbrellas in them and supervised the children, of course.

Like their Mom, the kids put on their little thinking caps and placed their Little Tykes slide into the pool.  That combined with the sprinkler and the the play fountain of theirs created their very own mini water park.  With all this going on you’d think the kids would be self-sufficient, but you’d be wrong, because the little leaches wanted something more; attention.  I guess all the cool material objects weren’t enough, because we actually had to play with them.  What’s next, affection?

My daughter did what most people like to do on a sweltering day; she had a tea party.  She gathered her tea party essentials, you know, a teapot, sugar bowl, toy Shrek and two tea cups from her playhouse and placed them on a table near the pool.  Her ability to adapt to the situation at hand presented itself when I witnessed how she ‘played’ tea party.  She filled the two tea cups and then drank them both herself.  I was a little disappointed that she didn’t offer one to me, my wife or her little brother until I saw what she was actually doing.   She didn’t really drink the grass-laden water she had scooped out of the pool with the teapot; she put the cups to her closed mouth and let the water drip down her body.  At first I thought that she was imitating how I usually drink my coffee in the morning, but then I realized that she was just cooling herself off in a unique way.

I would have joined her, but I didn’t want to get my thong wet. 

June 2, 2007 Posted by | Buffalo, family, Humor, kids, life, parenthood, parenting, Ranting, weather | 5 Comments