Pessimistic Optimism

Life as I see it… sort of.

Sticky Fingers, Almost

There are certain images that all of us carry in our heads that we wish could be magically erased, like seeing someone naked we shouldn’t have, Father O’Malley, or a nasty dead body, Father O’Malley.  I just inserted another one in the bank that will probably stick with me for the rest of my life or at least until I’m back in diapers.

The whole thing started out harmlessly, you know, three little kids playing in the yard being supervised, I use that term loosely, by me.  The nosey little bastards decided to trek behind the humongous playhouse back there and I didn’t think much of it.  Then it dawned on me that our dog evacuates his system in that general area daily and I hadn’t picked up the excrement yet that day.  I hurried back behind the structure after I set my margarita down and my son met me halfway smiling.  I noticed he held something out in front of him that didn’t seem right.  When my mind comprehended what I saw I realized that it was a large piece of dog shit.  I wish I had a camera with me because this scene replays itself over and over in my head and I don’t think it’s fair for me to keep it all to myself.

Let me just say that it’s a good thing that my dog must’ve eaten right the night before because the “log” in my son’s hand was solid.  It was so solid that after I casually ripped it out of the boy’s hand while simultaneously screeching there wasn’t any trace of it to be found on him, not even with the taste test.  

I almost sent the boy back to playing without washing his hands because that seemed like a waste of time because they appeared to be clean, but the parental guidance angel told me that I better do it so I could honestly say I did even though it was totally unnecessary.

On my job I see some grotesque things, but this one beats them all.  Something about my boy holding my other boy’s waste in his hands makes me want to cry… or laugh.  At least he didn’t put it in his mouth as far as I know.


July 27, 2007 - Posted by | family, Humor, kids, life, parenthood, parenting


  1. I just threw up in my mouth alittle, thanks for that.

    Comment by Aunt Weather | July 27, 2007 | Reply

  2. A.W.,
    Thanks for sharing. Did you ever hear of too much information?

    Comment by linusmann | July 28, 2007 | Reply

  3. Did you?

    Comment by Aunt Weather | July 28, 2007 | Reply

  4. Well, well, well…Relatively speaking,dear sil… is it possible that it was one of my Sahlen’s done just the way I like them??? Nice and brown and slightly charred? Oh BTW…as a parent… you have not yet grown those eyes in the back of your head yet. He who sees all; knows all (almost).

    Comment by The Grandmother | July 30, 2007 | Reply

  5. A.W.,
    Touche’ or should I say, touchy?

    It was definitely NOT a hot dog and I do have eyes in the back of my head, almost, but they can’t see through the gigundous playhouse in my yard.

    Comment by linusmann | August 1, 2007 | Reply

  6. I love this story. Your son is wild and courageous.

    Comment by abarclay12 | August 1, 2007 | Reply

  7. I always love your writing, I get such a good laugh. I often laugh and then realize much of what you are saying sounds exactly like me when my kids were small. I do think you were being a little overly cautious in washing the hands, I assume it was you doing the taste test. Wasn’t that enough?

    Comment by Bill Howdle | August 2, 2007 | Reply

  8. Ab12,
    Wild and courageous, definitely. You left out handsome and witty. Sometimes a little too witty. Like when he ran around with a bucket on his head and bumped into walls (see Wall Banger).

    Thanks for the words of encouragement, again. I’m still second guessing myself on the hand washing. We wasted a good three-to-four minutes of serious playing time and yes it was me doing the tasting because for all I’d know he might like the flavor.

    Comment by linusmann | August 3, 2007 | Reply

  9. k…..this one I don’t WANNA give a go at.


    Comment by mel | August 5, 2007 | Reply

  10. Mel,
    C’mon, be a little adventurous.

    Comment by linusmann | August 5, 2007 | Reply

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