Pessimistic Optimism

Life as I see it… sort of.

Squirrels Can’t Swim

Something horrible happened in my backyard today. Well, it might not have happened today, but that’s when it was discovered. I don’t know if I’ll ever be the same because of two things: death on my property and a penis.

It’s amazing how one act of stupidity can change your world forever, or just flat out end it. My guess is that “Rocky” the squirrel was showing off and slipped. The next thing he knew, there was no way back to the tree unless he had tremendous leaping ability out of water. He didn’t. The furry rodent never had a chance when he landed in the pool, especially because it only has about a foot of water in it (I won’t get into why it’s so low). I’d like to say that he didn’t suffer, but that would be a lie. Too bad the fall didn’t kill him, it would have been quicker and he would’ve had a cooler looking mangled corpse. After I fished him out with the pool skimmer I noticed that this one could definitely have an open casket… if I didn’t stuff him in a garbage bag with my dog’s lawn crappings. While dropping him in the bag I saw his penis. It was actually visible and it creeped me out.  This is probably why I didn’t show him to my daughter before his unceremonious disposal.

This isn’t the first time I’ve been around a dead squirrel. Back in ’01 my wife and I witnessed a baby squirrel fall to it’s death in a park in Niagara-on-the-Lake. Its mother ran around on the ground looking for it. I still have nightmares and now this. That’s why I’m awake past nine pm tonight, to keep the bad squirrel dreams away.  Maybe “Rocky” can take care of the baby that’s been crying in my head for five years.

Let’s all think about the squirrels we see around our neighborhoods and appreciate them because they could be gone tomorrow… especially since I’m not covering the pool this year. 


September 30, 2006 - Posted by | All about me, Humor

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