Pessimistic Optimism

Life as I see it… sort of.

The Grapevine

It’s amazing how an event can get blown out of proportion over a few days.  My guess is that when the messenger takes his turn he wants to make something sound as exciting as possible so he adds a slight embellishment to keep the listeners interested.  If one out of every four of these relayers of recent happenings does this a mountain is made out of a mole hill.  For example, if Lindsay Lohan broke a nail, by the time the tabloids print the story she lost a finger.

I’m not Lindsay Lohan, in case you were wondering, but I do look better in a bikini… yuck.  I also didn’t break a nail.  I was bopped on the head with an object that was thrown from a second story window.  Luckily I wore a helmet at the time even though I wasn’t riding on the short bus… at the moment.  The impact on the top of my head confused the hell out of me.  I wondered if I should fall to the ground like you see in the movies.  It would have looked cool but I didn’t because I could still walk.  The first thing I did was say “What the #$&% was that?”.  The second thing I did was try to find what hit me.  It was a table leg with a big metal bracket attached to it.  I picked it up and tried to figure out if I was okay and also to see whose glove print was on it.  At this point I had so much adrenaline running through me that I had no idea how I felt besides wired.

After I calmed down I felt a strain in my back and neck and my head hurt a little.  I also felt some tingling in my fingertips.  I kept thinking that the pain was psychosomatic but decided to get checked out anyway.  I had a pleasant ride to the hospital with a guy who didn’t say one word the whole trip.  I think he was pissed because I made him have to do something… his job.  I won’t bore you with the details of the hospital visit except that I was there from 2am to 6am.  These pricks don’t practice first come/ first serve.  Just because someone comes in with a bullet wound they get to skip the line.

One more thing that was interesting was the guy across the hall from me.  He kept getting out of bed and pacing.  The whole time he kind of whined and grunted.  The doctor saw him right before she saw me and I hope she washed her hands in between because of what I overheard.  She asked him about discharge and bleeding and gasped when she saw how swollen his left testicle was.  I didn’t see it myself, even though I would have been interested, she verbalized this information after the gasp.

I went back to work and left a little early, but told my co-workers that I should be back for my next shift in a few days.  This is when the grapevine took over.

I arrived Sunday morning and everyone was surprised to see me.  They were all from a different shift and heard the information second, third and fourth hand.

“Are you okay?” and “What are you doing here?” were the most frequent questions.  Somewhere along the transfer of the facts the table leg became a couch.  I’d bet on it that it was a table at one time and maybe a chair.  No wonder these people were shocked to see me.  My only problem with the situation is if I was in such bad shape where were the flowers and get well cards… heartless bastards. 


September 24, 2006 - Posted by | All about me, Usual Day at the Office


  1. Lindsay has definately been overexposed lately and I think that’s going to hurt her career in the next year!

    Comment by mr skin | October 23, 2006 | Reply

  2. A truly magical and insightful story. In a masterful impersonation of David Copperfield, the grapevine was able to transform a table leg into a couch.

    Comment by Bernard Rubble | October 24, 2006 | Reply

  3. Mr. Rubble,

    Thanks for the kind words. I hope your brother Barney is doing well.

    Comment by linusmann | November 2, 2006 | Reply

  4. I live in fear of falling furniture. Btw, did you ever find a glove print on the offending object?

    Comment by BiggusDickus | May 9, 2007 | Reply

  5. The offender that threw the offending object offensively denied he threw it and the glove print was too smudged to prove his offensive guilt.

    Comment by linusmann | May 17, 2007 | Reply

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