One of my best friends married the love of his life yesterday and I had the pleasure and privilege of standing up in the wedding (for reasons unbeknown to me, some people actually like having me around). This was the second wedding I got to rent a tux for in three weeks. Another great friend had me serve as his “best man” on August 5. These are probably the last weddings that I will be asked to participate in for non-relatives. That’s a shame because they both were tremendously fun… I even danced at them. Picture Elaine on Seinfeld , but not as graceful and hopefully not as feminine. Luckily my beautiful wife looked so good out there that there is a chance that no one noticed me.
The whole day was a blast. After dropping our dog off at the kennel I headed to my friend’s house who was also standing up in the wedding. I was his ride (we hadn’t started drinking yet) to the groom’s mother’s house. It was great to just b.s. with him because we both are quite occupied with our families and our careers and don’t get the opportunity too often.
The groom’s mother is a wonderful woman with great taste (she thinks I’m cute). She prepared a great spread for all the guys in the wedding… I had two pancake and sausage sandwiches. My mouth is watering just thinking about them. The groom was very calm… he should have been because he’s like fifty years old… just kidding! He’s not that old.
We hung out and got dressed in an extremely purple room (sister of the groom’s). Something about six grown men getting dressed together in a purple room with a picture of Patrick Dempsey on the wall just doesn’t seem right. After that traumatizing experience we boarded the limo (a great big bus) and enjoyed a beer together on the ride to the church.
We sat, stood, paced and talked about everything for the next two hours while waiting for the people to show up (we were very early). The rehearsal Nazi showed up first… she made the rehearsal HELL! I’m still trying to block it out. Hold me. Really, please hold me. Okay, I’m better now. This time she left us alone, except for pinning the corsages on us.
The groom remained calm, cool (he did wipe his sweaty palms on his pants at least once) and collected during our purgatory… it was actually a good time.
When it was time the groom headed off to his isolation chamber with the best man. We stayed behind to usher all the female guests to their seats. Ah, the smell of ben gay and cigarettes… enough about my cologne.
The ceremony went off without a hitch except for a minor problem with a candle that wouldn’t light. It was supposed to symbolize unity or togetherness or some crap like that. If you need a candle to keep you together you’re in trouble.
The ceremony on a whole took less time than the rehearsal, I think. At least it seemed like it did. It was also more fun. My buddy and I laughed so hard at times that we shook. This seems to be a recurring problem when we’re in a church together. Hopefully I never sit next to him at a funeral.
Champagne, beer, mountain dew and cheese and crackers were on the menu while riding to the cemetery for pictures. After many pieces of cheese and a couple of beers I was quite full. While enroute the “maid of honour” told me that I looked like the guy from American Idol. I was confused because I have gray hair and a chubby face, there is no way that I look like Clay Aiken. I shook it off and then we posed at a grave site. It sounds much worse than it was.
After the pics were done we headed to the reception at an upscale restaurant on the waterfront. Cool stuff. My beautiful wife walked onto the outdoor patio with some of our friends that weren’t in the wedding party and blew me away. Damn, she looked good! We ate hors douvres and sipped on (yeah, right) our beverages of choice. The view on the patio was awesome. It overlooked the marina, the lighthouse and downtown Buffalo. City Hall looked as though it was wearing a burka because of the renovations taking place and it kind of scared me.
Next were the introductions. This is fun. It makes me feel like a sports star. They announce your name and the crowd cheers. I think I’m needy. This experience was different than any other wedding I was in because I was involved in a threesome… there was one more guy standing up than the girls. We shared the occupier of the purple bedroom with the picture of Patrick Dempsey on the wall. She’s a lovely girl and took it in stride.
Dinnertime. Delicious prime rib. ‘Nuff said.
The party kicked into high gear when the bar reopened and guests (mostly women) invaded the dance floor. Most of my friends and I stood near the dance floor and talked and laughed and passed gas. Oh wait, that was just me. It was kind of embarrassing because it was sooooo bad. I’m a rather honest person so I admitted it and was shunned for a little while. Even by my wife.
Like I said earlier I, too, ventured onto the dance floor once in a while. Joan Jett’s “I love Rock ‘n Roll” sent my wife and I into a fit of fury (happy fury if that’s possible). People were staring, but that’s okay.
The last song of the night was Billy Joel’s “Piano Man”. We all headed onto the dance floor and formed an impromtu circle. By the end of the song it was made up of about forty people including the bride and groom and most of the wedding party.
My wife and I had a hotel room for the night so this is where my story ends… Boom-chicka-boom-boom!
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